supremelywhitetennisshoes guy

"Ay-- watch the shoes!"  
"Oh, my bad..."

Sorry to stumble onto your supremelywhitetennisshoes in my haste to get by. But if I may be frank, I think your shoes blinded me, so is it your bad?

What the shoe indicates:

Not a scratch in sight. But if supremelywhitetennisshoes guy were to find a blemish, you can bet top dollar that these will quickly turn into his "old" shoes. SWTS guys tend to finish their outfits with a shimmer of gold slinking out the collar and know all of Kanye's songs by heart. Expect him to have one hand always connected to his shiny phone, while the other may or may not be always, uhm, "readjusting." It wouldn't be far-fetched to assume that his dream is to have his own version of VH1's "For the Love of Ray Jay."

Dating guide:
Unless supremelywhitetennisshoes guy allows you to take priority over his shoes, he needs to be dropped like it's hot. Sorry. It's also more than likely that his dismissal of imperfect footwear matches his superficiality in a relationship. He'd probably be a clean roommate though.


the basketball shoe

Ever been chatting up a guy and caught a glance below? 
"Why did it have to be the basketball shoe?!" you silently scream.


What the Bball shoe indicates:
This is a man that is stuck in his ways. Like most men, he only has what he uses. He's sensible and buys shoes that can aid his jump shot while also allowing him to trot around town comfortably.

The Bball Man fits in with his friends (also devoted bball playas). He is also not concerned with fashion or matching in general. Black and brown? Heinous red shoes and an orange shirt? BASKETBALL SHOES ON A DATE? It's "worked" for him before, he thinks. He has a generic taste in music, cycling mostly around the top 40.

Ladies, this is not to be taken lightly.

 WARNING: If not addressed before the late twenties, the Bball Man is in danger of letting all public fashion reason slip away.

Dating guide:  
Rest easy, girls. The Bball Man is most likely not a playa playa. He's too loyal for that (review connection to friends).

BUT, unless he's running out to meet the boys for a quick ball game, he needs some advising in the shoe department. Don't worry, Shoe Lovers, you will be his guide. You can use your feminine wiles to communicate that the basketball shoe does not, in fact, match every outfit (if male readers have to ask why, well, just trust us). You will introduce him to some similar, but non-repulsive shoes. Like these. 


Surely he can save the bball shoes for game days and strut his stuff in these. He will thank you for upping his girl game. 



the birkenstock

Clog,  slip-on, sandal or otherwise, these guys tend to run in the same crowd.

What the Birkenstock indicates:
The Birk Man is a delicate creature. He's outdoorsy and simple. Can't be bothered by shoes with actual laces. Probably lives in fleeces year-round. Most likely politically apathetic beyond environmental issues sponsored by jam bands. Often accompanied by a woodsy musk, vegetarianism and an E.A.R.T.H. club membership. Dreading of the hair may occur. Will wear these shoes into the ground.

Dating Guide:
He'll probably get you to appreciate the simple things in life, like hiking and Dumpster-diving. May get you to R-E-C-Y-C-L-E. Lots of creative, free dates.

the euro

How to identify the Euro:

- no laces*
- slightly too dressy for the accompanying jeans
- visual similarities to an alien head

What the shoe indicates:
The Euro shoe is often accompanied by flashy graphic t-shirts and perhaps a bit too much hair product. However, the wearer is often confident, well-groomed and smells delicious (due to carefully chosen cologne).

These Euro shoe wearers can be quite the catch, but beware: you might catch them checking themselves out in the mirror more than they focus on you. 

*Male candidates suffer an automatic point reduction for Velcro

Dating guide:
Expect all the stops and maybe a trip to the club. You should probably get fancified for your date -- these boys dress to impress and you don't want to be stuck lookin' butch in comparison with jeans and casual shirt. Maybe they're not guys' guys, but wouldn't it be nice swap fashion tips with your man?


the 90s skater shoe

Look, you know what I'm talking about. The puffy tongue, thick soles, falling off your feet, usually accompanied by too-baggy jeans and a love of Wu-Tang Clan. 

What the shoe indicates:

He's back partying like it's 1999, and maybe hanging out with middle schoolers (yikes!). But hopefully, he lives in Dogtown, because otherwise, there's no excuse for wearing these uglies. Besides, nobody wants to share the same shoes as Taking-Back-Sunday-listening, preteen girls. 

Maybe you could ask him to clarify how wearing shoes that are way too big for him help him  grip a board better. 

Let's show him some updates, shall we?

That is soooo much better.

Dating guide:
The 90s skater shoe wearer is old school. And probably cheap. That doesn't mean he's not likeable, but it does mean he needs an update. And probably a more recent shower than, say, every three days. The good news is, he has the appeal of mystery, and who doesn't love that? (Will Scooby-Doo ever find out where his last pair of clean boxers went? Stay tuned...)


the top-sider

Now, the Sperry Top-sider has been called a sailor shoe. But I really don't know any sailors that would wear this shoe unless posing for an L.L. Bean or Nautica catalog shoot. And we all know models can't sail.

What the top-sider indicates:
You're preppy, value comfort, and like the feel of shoes without socks. You probably also own Rainbows. Most of your outfits match your Sperrys.

OR, if you fall into the category of a boy with side-swept hair pairing Sperrys with skinny jeans... though casual, you're probably better dressed than most girls in any given room. You often feel it is appropriate to wear Sperrys with uncomfortably-small J.Crew shorts. Hmm.

Dating guide:
Sperry wearers are mostly low-maintenance and are often mama's boys. But, due to being mama's boys, on the first couple dates, they'll probably be be courteous and open most doors for you.